Dear Life Kit: I’m happily married but hate our sex life. Should I ask for a divorce?

Need some really good advice? Look no further than Dear Life Kit. In each episode, we pose one of your most pressing questions to an expert. This question was answered by Emily Nagoski, sex educator and author of Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life.

This conversation has been edited for length and clarity.

Dear Life Kit,

I’ve been in a loving relationship with my husband for years. We’re incredibly compatible, happy and feel fulfilled except for our sex life.

The sex started off great, became less interesting over the years, and now it’s non-existent. When we try, it feels awkward. I’ve developed a negative association with sex due to so many failed attempts. We’ve discussed options like therapy, playing with a third together, playing with a third separately, scheduling sex, pills, couple massage. You name it, we’ve tried it. Nothing works.

I’m considering divorce even though the rest of our relationship is fine. Initiating a divorce feels cruel, but I also feel like I’m settling and watching time slip away. — Bored in the Bedroom


It is normal not to want sex you do not like.

One thing that fascinates me about the question is, “First, the sex was great, then it got less interesting.” Do you mean interesting, or do you mean pleasurable? Do you like the sex you’re having? And if not, what kind of sex is worth wanting?

A couple of the questions I encourage people to think through and talk to their partner about are: “What is it that I want when I want sex? What is it that I like when I like sex?” Those kinds of questions give us a lot more information about what might be happening. It sounds like you’re dissatisfied with the kind of sex you’re having.

Sex can be challenging to talk about. Try the sandwich method of criticism but with ninety percent bread and ten percent critique. “I love our relationship. I love our erotic connection. It really matters to me that we can connect in this way. I’m going to say something, and I worry it will feel like I’m criticizing you, but I’m just trying to connect with you. Before I say it, can we agree that our relationship is not at stake?” I know that’s a lot of buffer language, but we’re so tender, so that’s how much it takes.

When people have negative associations with initiating sex, the first rule is to take sex off the table. No sex for a set period of time. Instead, focus on exploring different experiences of pleasure: food pleasure or play in other parts of your life. Figure out how to connect and share time outside of sexuality. Gradually, you’ll build your body’s access to knowing what pleasure feels like. So when you begin to move in the direction of erotic touch, your body can recognize, “Oh, that’s pleasure.” And if it feels pleasurable, you’re probably going to be interested in experiencing more of it.

Sex is not important for all relationships, and it’s normal for it to be important during some phases of a relationship and then not important for a while and then come back. People often think that you can assess a sex life in terms of spontaneous desire, how many orgasms people have, what positions you use, or whether or not you do adventurous things. But the research tells us none of those things are good predictors of a couple’s long-term sexual satisfaction. If there is a single specific thing, it’s cuddling after sex.

Listen to Emily Nagoski’s full response in the audio at the top of the page or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

Have a question for Dear Life Kit? Share it anonymously here.


Dear Life Kit is hosted by Andee Tagle and produced by Beck Harlan and Sylvie Douglis. Bronson Arcuri is the managing producer and Meghan Keane is the supervising editor. Alicia Zheng produces the Dear Life Kit video series for Instagram.

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Copyright 2024 Smack Urban Magazine. To see more, visit NPR.

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