
Dear Life Kit: My parents pay my tuition. Do I have to show them my grades?
Need some really good advice? Look no further than Dear Life Kit. In each episode, we pose one of your most pressing questions to an expert. This question was answered by Berna Anat, author of Money Out Loud: All the Financial Stuff No One Taught Us.
This conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
Dear Life Kit,
I just finished my first semester of college. I grew up in a conservative household with high academic standards. My first semester at college was a little rocky as I realized that I have emotional trauma from my childhood, and I’m likely dealing with some unaddressed mental health issues. I want my independence, and I’m increasingly pulling away from my family. But they’re funding a good portion of my education.
When my parents asked for my grades at the end of the first semester, I told them that I was doing well but that I’d preferred not to give them my exact grades. I’m trying to move away from depending on their approval and towards being self-motivated. My parents’ response was, “As long as we’re paying for your college career we will be asking you for your grades every semester.” I’m afraid I’ll lose my college funding if I refuse to show them.
I don’t have time to get a job that could cover my remaining expenses should my parents withdraw their financial support. I want to assert my independence, but I’m not sure how to do so. What’s my best course of action? — Freshman Finances
I think the issue is that expectations were not defined between you and your family. And that’s hard because when do we sit down and go, “Hello, Mom and Dad, Let’s define our financial expectations for each other”? I know that sounds really stale and stiff, but maybe there’s some version of that conversation where you can actually define those expectations. College is a time of growth for you. Your parents didn’t hire you to do a job – they’re investing in your growth. So try to get on the same page of what that growth means to you and what your parents’ return on investment means to them.
The conversation might be difficult. Because the power dynamic is they’re the parents, you’re the kid. Parents are used to having control, and they might feel a little bit threatened. I believe hard conversations need to be sandwiched. Like, “I want to express my gratitude and love.” And then the meat of the sandwich is: “I want to express my goals for this financial relationship.” And then the last piece of bread is “I want to repeat my gratitude. This is coming from a place of love.” And then open up the conversation.
I would want to hear you saying something like, “You know, one of my main goals in college is to learn to become more independent and self-motivated. If we do this grades thing, that actually wouldn’t help me reach my goals. You gave me this money because you wanted to invest in my growth. And this is how I see myself growing. Is there a different way we can achieve your goals, too, that doesn’t have to be grades related?”
I have a dreamy hope that if you were to approach your parents with respect and trust, they might give the same back. Then again, there are emotionally immature parents who are not ready to give up that kind of control. It may be that the stipulations of them giving you money for college means that you have to adhere to their rules. And unfortunately, if they’re the purse holders, they’re the ones holding the power in this situation.
Talking with loved ones about money can be extremely awkward. As awkward as it is, I think it’s incredibly important to put it down on paper somewhere – just to get everybody on the same page. You might want to talk about what if things go wrong. “What can we agree on now, so that if something goes wrong and everyone’s emotions are heightened, we don’t make any rash decisions that ruin our relationship?”
Listen to Berna Anat’s full response in the audio at the top of the page or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
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Dear Life Kit is hosted by Andee Tagle and produced by Beck Harlan and Sylvie Douglis. Bronson Arcuri is the managing producer and Meghan Keane is the supervising editor. Alicia Zheng produces the Dear Life Kit video series for Instagram.
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